1 year ago today...

(Warning: this is a long post, mostly for journaling, so sorry for the length, but then, I'm not, cuz it's my blog.... ;)

...I had gotten little sleep the night before. Didn't feel quite right all night, but mostly just couldn't shut off my brain. Around 3:30am I gave in to the fact that sleep would continue to elude me and got out of bed. As soon as I stood up I felt a contraction. So I went on the computer to occupy myself as I waited to see if the contraction was for real, or was just a fluke. I had them fairly regularly for about 20 min and decided that if by 4am they hadn't stopped that I would wake up Brian and we'd call my midwife since I was only in labor for about 4 hours or so with Isaak. I suddenly felt a transition contraction--the undeniable, you're in labor contraction. It was 4am. I woke Brian up, we got ready to go. I called my midwife and apologized profusely for waking her up, but I was pretty sure the baby was looking to come that morning. I don't think she quite believed that I was in labor, as I was calm while I spoke with her. She said she'd meet me at the hospital. Brian reminded me that I needed to call my friend Gina to come stay with Isaak...another phone call filled with apologies as I looked at the clock. She came, we left. It was raining/snowing. I remember feeling annoyed by this as I stopped in the parking lot during a contraction.

We walked into L&D asking for my midwife, it was sometime before 5am. They checked me and to everyone's surprise I was at 7cm. I really need to remember to make a scene with the next one, maybe then the nurses will take me seriously when I say I'm in labor ;). Brian filled the tub up for me. I hung out in there for about 30 minutes--if you ever have the opportunity to soak in a warm (apparently it can be really hot because the baby'll be coming out soon anyway) bath during labor DO it!! It is awesome! I did it with Isaak too, and I loved it. Your water has to be intact, and you'd have to be sans epidural (obviously), but it is an enjoyable experience.

The nurses and my midwife were AWESOME, they just let me do whatever I needed to do. They were super respectful of my going through labor naturally and letting me call the shots. A little after 6am I had Brian find my midwife and the party came back as I was ready to go--or so I thought. She had to break my water. Both of my labors involved my water having to be broken, I apparently make a tough bag of waters....whatever that means. I remember her having a bit of a hard time with it too haha. I was kind of hoping to allow it to happen on its own, but I was at a 9.5 and she said it would be over if she just popped it. I was just curious to see if it would break on its own. Anyway. Who knows the time of events after that. After my water breaks everything feels real to me. Like I'll have to push a baby out...in a short amount of time. I remember getting ready to push and my midwife asking for the light to be adjusted, cuz it was focused on my knee. I said something about how that was a darn good knee to look at too, and everyone in the room laughed more than that joke merited. Everyone was trying to show that they appreciated that I could still make jokes at this point, and I just remember shaking my head wishing that I could come up with something funnier than that, but that was all I had--it's funny the thoughts we have when our bodies are in a state of emergency. (please know that when I say "state of emergency" I mean my body was in full throttle working without much help needed from me. I totally think that we just have to get out of the way of our bodies when it comes to labor. I was calm and LOVED using hypnobabies this time around for a different experience than the hypnobirthing that I used with Isaak--and that's all the plug that I'll put in for natural birthing ;))

Anyway, I pushed for about 7 or 8 minutes. Really I slowed down the process, I would have been done in just 2 pushes, but I had a moment of worrying that I would tear and stopped myself. I whispered it to Brian. My midwife asked what I said. Brian said, "She said she doesn't want to rip" She laughed and said, "Honey, you're past the point of no return, just push this baby out." And then somehow I heard this nurse in the background say, "Push through the pressure honey and it will all be over, just push through it." Somehow that was what I needed to hear to do it. And out she came. Brian said that once her head was out she pushed her arm up over her head like she was taking off like superman coming into the world :).

Once she was out her APGAR tests were great. She got an 8 the first time, and a 9 the second. She was 6lbs 5.8oz, 20 in long and Isaak's clone. Such a magical time meeting that creature with whom you've been sharing your body. She was a little more blue than they liked. When she'd relax to sleep or close her eyes at all she'd lose color a little. When they woke her she'd breathe fine. After about 30 min they said i could nurse her. So I did. 10 min on one side and I decided I should switch. When I pulled her up she was blue. Brian called the nurse. they came in and touched her with cold hands which immediately brought color back to her face.

They said they wanted to watch her for a bit. So 2 hours or so after she had been born, maybe a little less, they decided to take her to the nursery, possibly the NICU, depending on how she fared. Neither Brian, nor I were worried. We had a similar experience with Isaak. They were considering putting him in the NICU as well, but ended up not doing it because he decided to breathe better on his own. Kaebri, on the other hand, had a significant amount of liquid in her lungs. It's common for quick trips in the birth canal to leave the baby with fluid in the lungs, apparently. I learned so much more than I ever wanted to about little babies and their lungs. The conversations in the NICU between parents and Drs. Surfactant, O2, Saturation levels, CPAP, Pulsox machines, biliruben (sp)...

my baby was a leviathan in the NICU

The doctors swore up and down that she would be out in a couple of days tops, and after 2 she was on more equipment than anyone had anticipated, or really prepared me for. I walked in and saw my newest treasure hooked up to so many machines that beeped periodically. I had to ask permission to hold her, change her diaper, feed her. At one point I saw her and was overcome with fatigue, and heartache as I watched my sweet little girl look so helpless and sick. I just turned around and walked out in tears.

It's funny. I never doubted that she would be okay, it was just WHEN she'd be okay. She wasn't working with the timing that I'd anticipated, so, of course, it was Heavenly Father's opportunity to teach me. Did I learn? Probably not as well as I'd like to say.

I wanted to record my labor story with her before I forgot the little details.

I remember the nurse that came in to check on me once I was in recovery told me that the other nurses were calling me a birthing goddess because I did it naturally and didn't tear...that was awkward...what do you say to that?

I remember the nurses asking if we had a name for her and Brian saying we liked the name Kaebri, but at that point it was either, Kaybri, Kaybree, Kaebree, or Kaebri. All of them LOVED it...I wasn't sold at first....

I remember waking up every 3 hours to nurse or pump...

I remember missing Isaak terribly! He had been my everyday little companion and I was only seeing him for an hour or 2 a day. I was so worried that he'd feel I'd abandoned him. He was SO good about it, but it definitely took its toll...

I remember Brian and I not agreeing on her middle name until he and our home teacher gave her a blessing in the NICU and he said, "I just keep thinking to call her Kaebri Belen"...

I remember not knowing how to include that blasted O2 tank into our errands, so I tried to avoid doing errands until Brian got home...

I remember I had to get used to the idea of having a girl. I only saw myself having boys. She's so much more opinionated than Isaak is, even now. She's friendly, and funny. If you laugh at her she'll laugh back at you. Her sense of humor is different than Isaak's too. And Isaak can do ANYTHING to her and she will just smile or laugh. It makes for difficult parenting. It's hard for Isaak to take me seriously when I ask him to stop wrestling her, or patting her on the back too hard, but she's laughing at it. :) Silly girl.

I don't remember what it was like before she was in my belly, at least, not really...

And I am SO glad that she is ours now! Such a sweet addition to our family! Happy first birthday my little Kaebri koo! Te amamos!