mommyness

I've been trying to relish the softness of Demetri's skin lately. That unmistakeable smell of a breastfed baby. How cuddly he is, whether or not he really wants to be, his chubbiness is just so squeezable and molds right in as I hold him. I chew on his cheeks a lot, touch his nose, play with the lip of chub under his chin. Delight in his smiles given so freely to me. Smiles that he gladly shares with others after they speak with him or smile at him, but immediately appear at just hearing my voice. Having a happy baby is such an ego booster. Knowing you're so important, if not, everything to such a sweet slice of heaven. It's delicious. I love it.

Isaak, my other baby. My almost-4-year-old-baby has been desperately trying to declare his independence lately. I realize that it's his age, but it's so disheartening to me to see him test the waters of disobedience. He's defiant without really understanding the repercussions. He's mouthy and rude. Not always, just taking it for a test drive. I'm not a fan, but understand that it's how he will learn. Tonight he was telling me what I could and couldn't do before bedtime, in an "I'm the one in charge" type of voice. He was doing his best not to listen to me as he covered his ears while I asked him why he was acting in such a manner. I could tell he was getting angry with me for continuing to speak with him as he asked me not to talk to him about poor decisions anymore. I told him if he stopped making poor decisions then I would stop talking about them. (Hey, I never claimed to be the mature one here ;) I told him it was ok to feel mad, but that it was important to not allow our anger to cause us to treat other people poorly. He looked at me and said, "I'm mad at YOU, Mommy!" To which I replied, "I'm mad at you too, Isaak." I wasn't really feeling mad. It was more of a tired disappointment. I could tell he was tired and that he didn't really know how to handle what was going on. After talking a bit longer Brian asked Isaak if he'd give me a hug so he could take Isaak upstairs to go to bed. He said he didn't want to because he was mad. Brian then explained that hugging me could help melt away the anger. With tears in his eyes he asked for a hug from Brian so that his anger could melt away and then he could give me a hug. Brian complied. Isaak came to hug me and said, still teary eyed, "I'm just a little bit sad, Mommy." I asked him why, and after some cajoling he said, "Because you said you were mad at me." We hugged again. I just wanted to wrap him up in that moment of exposure to his tender almost-4-year-old feelings. I told him I wasn't really mad at him, but sometimes I do feel like I am disappointed with him. He then looked at me and said, "Mommy, will you hug my sadness away?" "Yes, Isaak, of course I will." Big hug. He pulled away with a smile on his face and happily jumped into Daddy's arms to go upstairs to bed.

If only I could let go of all my angers and sadness of the day in one hug like that. Being a mommy feels suddenly like putting on really big shoes. Ones that are beautiful and strong and I'll always be too small for. We truly do need to become as little children....